Anxiety in school age children
School age is an exciting time for children. It's a time when your child makes new friends, meets new people and becomes more independent. They also come across new rules, routines and experiences - so do you! But sometimes this new world takes getting used to. Worrying about this can affect your child's behaviour and wellbeing.
If your child is finding these changes difficult, that's OK. There is plenty of help, advice and guidance to support you and your child through this time.

Anxiety
Read time: 5 minutes
Throughout their school years, children experience many new things. The thought of moving to a new school, making new friends or even taking exams for the first time can be really scary! But these worries and fears are a part of growing up. And they generally pass quickly.
Feeling anxious once in a while is common. But if your child is often, or always, affected by anxiety they can feel stressed. When these anxious feelings don't go away, children can feel drained and exhausted. And even become ill.
There are various types of anxiety. Finding out what kind of anxiety it is will help you and your child to manage how they feel. Here are common types of anxiety, do you recognise the symptoms?
- General anxiety: Some children get anxious for a time for no obvious reason. If it gets really bad, your child will find it hard to concentrate and learn.
- Social anxiety: This is when your child gets worried by new people in social situations. Your child may try to avoid meeting people outside of your usual circle of family and friends. They may also find it hard to make new friends.
- Separation anxiety: This is when your child feels very anxious when you leave them. It can happen before and during separation from a parent or caregiver. It can continue even when your child becomes a teenager, and beyond. So, that means going to school and staying at friends' houses can be stressful.
- Phobias: A phobia is when your child is has a fear of a situation, place, object, animal or feeling. Like being so afraid of spiders or going to the dentist that it can make them feel sick and do anything to avoid it.
What can cause anxiety in school age children?
It's easy to be confused or upset by things at a young age. Children can feel anxious for lots of reasons. There are common situations that cause these feelings, inside and outside of school.
Some reasons your child feels anxious could be:
- Feeling upset by big changes in their life
- Struggles at school, with work or other children
- Scary events, such as bullying or the death of a family member
- Feeling tired when given too many chores at home
- Time with friends or family who have stress or anxiety
No parent likes the idea that their child may be hurting. If you are worried about your child, think about any stress they've had recently. Spotting causes early can help you talk with your child and ease their feelings.
What are the common symptoms of anxiety?
Children feel anxiety just like adults. The problem is most children won't be able to explain their feelings! Here are some signs that could show your child is struggling with anxiety. And might need your support.
These clues include:
- No concentration
- Poor sleep or bad dreams
- Grumpy or unusual behaviour
- Complaining about feeling sick or unwell
- Tense muscles
- Panic attacks or trouble breathing and swallowing
- Dry mouth
- Using the toilet more often
- Worrying about everyday activities
Anxiety can also show itself in the way children help themselves handle it. They might start avoiding social situations. Or engaging in obsessive behaviours like being scared of dirt and illness. Or asking the same questions over and over. If their anxiety gets really bad, your child might change their eating habits. Or even self-harm, like pulling their hair or picking skin.
How to help your child manage their anxiety
Talking is so important when helping your child deal with their anxiety. Make sure your child knows you understand how they feel and that they are not alone. And remember you are not alone in helping them! It's also useful to help your child understand what anxiety can do to them, so that they can cope better.
The NHS suggests "it may be helpful to describe anxiety as being like a wave that builds up and then ebbs away again".
Helping your child to find ways to cope means helping your child to face their feelings. If they are worried about a social event, your gut feeling might be to avoid it. But be brave! Talk to your child and put a plan in place to help them cope. This should help stop fears they might have that anxiety is stopping them from doing things. It can also give them back a feeling of control.
Professional help
If you are concerned about your child's anxiety, you should ask for professional help.
The best way to get the help they need is through their GP. They may suggest a tools or a service that could help. If it's really bad they may refer them. To the Child and Adolescent Mental Health Service (CAMHS) for example, for assessment. And a plan for support and treatment.
Top tips from the NHS to help ease anxiety in children
Read time: 2 minutes
- Teach your child to know when they are feeling anxious
- Tell your child to ask for help when they feel stressed or worried
- Stick to daily routines as much as you can
- If your child is anxious because of upcoming events, you could look for books or films about such events. These will help them to understand what to expect
- Prepare children for big events, like moving house, by explaining what is going to happen and why
- Resist becoming too protective or anxious yourself. if you are calm your child is likely to sense this and feel better too
- Practice ways to relax with your child. Like taking three deep, slow breaths, breathing in for three and out for three
Other tips for dealing with anxiety include:
- Rest and relaxation. It's harder for your child to deal with emotions when they are tired, so make sure they get plenty of rest! Help your child relax with calm music or stories.
- Exercise. Getting moving can help! Exercise uses up the nervous energy that anxiety can create. This lessens its effect on the body.
- Grounding techniques. These can help control anxiety's effects. They do this by helping your child to focus on the here and now instead of their worries. Good examples of grounding techniques include counting down from 100. Or naming an animal for each letter of the alphabet. Or listing things that they can see and hear.
- Create a worry box. You may not always have time to tackle the cause of a worry at the moment anxiety hits. A worry box gives a chance to talk about your child's fears when you have plenty of time. Get your child to write about their worries before posting them into a box. You can then find time to talk through them together, like at the end of the day.
Taking care of yourself
Don't forget to take care of yourself and ask for help if you need to! Try not to blame yourself for the struggles that your child is going through. The more positive you can stay, the better your child will cope with their anxiety.
It's also important you know that you and your child are not alone. If you need some advice, help, or simply someone to talk to, there are many websites and support services available.
Remember, if nothing else seems to be working, speak to your GP. They can refer your child to your local CAMHS, who will provide you and your child with all the expert support that you need.
Information from external websites
Action for Children have some top tips on how to help when your child feels anxious. They also have an activity you could do together that show how thoughts and feeling are connected. And another to teach your child how to calm anxious thoughts.
The NHS offers advice for parents of children with anxiety
The Royal College of Psychiatrists shares detailed information for parents on worries anxieties and helping children to cope.
Safe Space Health UK is a website for young people aged 11 - 14 in Surrey. It offers helpful information about emotional health, lifestyle choices, relationships, keeping safe, growing up and being okay with being different.
Young Minds a helpful section for parents supporting an anxious child.
Young Minds also have a useful parents survival guide and a fantastic A-Z of information and advice.
Barnardo's Family Space share useful ideas for understanding and responding to behaviour in 4-8 year olds and also for routines and behaviour for 8-12 year olds
Struggling and need to talk?
For you
Action for Children offer 1:1 chat with a parenting coach (Mon - Fri). If they are closed you can leave a message and a parenting coach will get back to you within 3 working days.
Family Lives have a free, confidential helpline, offering emotional support, information, advice and guidance on any aspect of parenting and family life. Call the Family Lives helpline on 0808 800 2222 (Monday to Friday from 9am to 9pm and on weekends from 10am to 3pm).
NSPCC has a free, confidential helpline for parents looking for advice. Call 0808 800 5000 (Monday to Friday 8am – 10pm or 9am – 6pm at the weekends).
The Surrey Children and Family Health Advice Line is available from 8am to 5pm, Monday to Friday (excluding Bank Holidays). They can provide support on all aspects of child health, development and parenting for families with children from birth to 19 years old. Call the Surrey-wide 0-19 Advice Line on 01883 340 922
Young Minds has a free parents helpline. For detailed advice, emotional support and signposting about your teen call 0808 802 5544 (9:30am to 4pm, Monday to Friday)
For your child
Childline have a free and confidential helpline for children. You could encourage your child to call 0800 1111 if they need to speak to someone - open 7 days a week from 7.30am - 3.30am. Childline also have a 1-2-1 counsellor chat for children who don't want to speak on the phone.
If your child is 11 or older you might want to tell them about the Child and Family Health Surrey text service called ChatHealth. It's a confidential school nurse messaging service for young people aged 11-19. Young people can contact their school nurse in confidence by text. The Chat Health text number is: 07507 329 951 (Mon - Fri 9am - 5pm).
All of the issues discussed are confidential unless a child's safety, or that of others, is at risk. The school nurses will always encourage young people to discuss issues with their parents or guardians.
Useful videos on anxiety in school age children
Family Lives share this useful video on separation anxiety
Family Lives has a helpful video on stress and depression in children 5 - 9 years old. They also have another one about the transition from primary to secondary school.
Shout shares a breathing exercise to help with anxiety
You might see if your child wants to learn how to make a self-soothe box
The Families Under Pressure video collection offers a great series of short top tips videos on managing behaviour and help with negative emotions. Perfect for when your family leave you feeling frazzled!
Helpful tools and apps
Action for Children has a quick guide to spotting if your child has low self-esteem
Childline offers a calm zone where your child can access loads of resources to help when they feel overwhelmed. They also have a toolbox to help take their mind of things and manage their emotions.
Kooth is a free online counselling and emotional well-being platform for children and young people aged 11 - 18. Accessible through mobile, tablet and desktop 365 days a year on Monday to Friday from 12pm–10pm and Saturday and Sunday from 6pm until 10pm.
Your teen can sign up here
You might want to suggest your teen tries the MeeTwo App. it is free, and allows peer to peer support for 11-25 year olds in a forum monitored by trained adults. If your 11 year old posts a question, only other 11 year olds will see the post and be able to respond. Adults monitor questions and answers and hand the question to a counsellor if they feel the child needs more than peer support.
Download Meetwo from Google Play
Download MeeTwo from App Store
Mindsight Surrey CAMHS share help sheets you can print out on managing anxiety and how to build a hope box.
You might want to teach your child this breathing exercise from the NHS
NSPCC has a great guide on positive parenting.
Reading Well list a number of books recommended by health experts to support your child with anxiety.
Surrey's Family Learning and Adult Learning teams have developed a family wellbeing resource, with lots of tips on looking after yourself and your family during these challenging times.
Young Minds also provides free, 24/7 text support for young people across the UK experiencing a mental health crisis. All texts are answered by trained volunteers, with support from experienced clinical supervisors. Texts can be anonymous, but if the volunteer believes your teen is in immediate risk of harm, they may share their details with people who can provide support. Text YM to 85258.
There are lots of Apps designed to help support anxiety. ORCHA has reviewed loads of apps so you can find the best and safest.
And the NHS have an App Library of NHS assessed Apps.
Online parenting guides
Surrey residents get free access to three online guides that include top tips from childcare, education and NHS health experts.
How to register
Registration is quick and easy. Go to the OurPlace website and use the access code 'ACORN' to get your free guides.
Access to the guides is unlimited with no expiry date, so you can return as and when you need and want to. Why not watch the Child and Family Health video to find out more.
Community support, courses and local help
Choose the area you live in for local services. Please note that due to coronavirus (Covid-19) very few community services are currently running.
The Community Nursing for Children's Emotional Wellbeing and Mental Health Service provides support to children and young people aged 4-18 years who are in a Surrey state school and are experiencing mild to moderate emotional or mental health difficulties.
Referrals to the service are usually made through your school nurse, school and health visitor. Each referral is considered on an individual basis and the best support for the child or young person will be decided. This might involve signposting to services from different agencies according to your child's specific difficulty or short term therapeutic intervention.
They can help with a wide range of emotional, behavioural and physical symptoms and difficulties.
Please contact the team via your child's school or school nurse.
CYP Haven
CYP Haven is a safe space for young people aged between 10 - 18 years to talk about worries and mental health in a confidential and friendly, supportive environment. Although based in Guildford, Epsom, Staines and Redhill the Havens are open for anyone to attend from across the county.
Due to public health advice the CYP Havens are currently closed. But they are running a virtual service for young people to access support by phone. This service is available every day of the week including bank holidays.
Call: 01483 519436 (Mon to Fri 4pm-8.30pm and Sat to Sunday, 12pm-6pm)
CYP Haven is also offering online workshops for small groups to discuss different mental health topics on Wednesdays at 5pm and Sundays at 3pm. Have a look at the workshop themes and if you want to book please call the CYP haven and book a slot.
Family Learning
Surrey Adult Learning's Family Learning programme aims to increase parent's skills and help them to support their children. It's free to parents, carers and even grandparents!
You can do online workshops and courses in parenting, wellbeing, anxiety and behaviour as well as phonics, English for EAL families, maths, science and healthy eating. Here's what one parent said about an 'Exploring Behaviour Strategies' course
"What a lovely course…. really constructive with lots of practical tips to go away and work on. I felt much more in control as a parent after last week's class alone! Thank you for being so open and inclusive, and providing a safe environment for us parents to share experiences."
Check out the wellbeing courses, as they have a course on helping your child manage anxiety.
You can enrol on up to 3 free courses and workshops each half term. For further information email family.learning@surreycc.gov.uk or call 0300 200 1044.
Mindsight Surrey CAMHS
Having a child or young person in your family or in your care with mental health issues is difficult and challenging for any one. Mindsight Surrey CAMHS will do everything they can to put you at ease and ensure that your child gets the best possible and most appropriate care for their needs.
Every child or young person is different and may require different services. If you are concerned about a child or young person in your care:
- Talk to them - Try to find out what is upsetting them. Is it school, work, home or friends?
- Talk to a professional who knows your situation - this could be someone from school or college, your GP, social worker or health visitor (if you have one). Discuss whether the child or young person would benefit from an appointment at Mindsight Surrey CAMHS and ask them to make a referral for you.
Elmbridge Family Centres
The Elmbridge Family Centres are able to support all families in the area with 0-11's who wish to access support through courses.
Currently we can offer online courses to support parenting and child behaviour. We have tablets to loan if families do not have a suitable device.
We directly offer the Parenting Puzzle course on a rolling basis. and link with many partners who are offering other courses including talking teens, supporting challenging behaviour.
We will resume face to face sessions as soon as the government guidelines allow. These would generally be run at one of our buildings in Walton, Molesey, Cobham or in the local community. We will confirm the exact venue details when your place is confirmed. Please contact us for further details:
- Call: 01932 229103
- Email: elmbridge@spurgeons.org
Or visit the Elmbridge Family Centres website or Elmbridge Family Centres Facebook page.
Parenting Puzzle Course via Zoom
Find out how to get the best out of family life. This 10 week Nurturing Programme is for parents and carers living in Elmbridge. This course encourages and supports parents and carers to enjoy bringing up children of all ages. The sessions are informal, fun and a great confidence booster.
January - April 2021 Tuesdays 7pm - 8.30pm via Zoom. £50 per family, but concessions and free places available so please ask.
To find out more contact
- Michelle - michelle@thewellbeingsupervisor.com Call: 07772 348182 or
- Teresa - t.doe@orchard.surrey.sch.uk
i-Relate
i-Relate is Relate West Surrey's service that offers confidential counselling for children and young people aged 10-18. i-Relate are currently running all consultations via Zoom.
The most common difficulties:
- Problems with relationships at home and school
- Low self-esteem
- Depression, anxiety, anger
- Feeling isolated and lonely
- Identity issues to do with gender, ethnicity or sexuality
- Bullying
How does it work?
Contact i-Relate to make an appointment for an initial consultation which will last for up to 45 minutes. The counsellor will then recommend regular follow-up sessions. Each session will last up to 45 minutes.
Initial consultation: £50. Follow up consultations: sliding scale based on family income.
Young people over 16 can refer themselves. For the ones under 16, parents, guardians or carer can refer them.
Ewell Family Centre
Ewell Family Centre supports local families with children aged 0-11 years. Parenting support is currently being offered via online workshops. For more information please visit the Ewell Family Centre website or call the centre to speak to staff on 020 8337 7310
Relate Mid Surrey Children and Young People Counselling
Relate Mid Surrey are currently offering free young people's counselling (aged 18 years and below) until the March, subject to meeting certain criteria.
Children and Young People's Counselling is for any young person aged 11 plus who's having problems. Counsellors can support your teen with problems like family breakdown, moving in with a second family, bullying at school, friendship groups, new relationships, generally not feeling like themselves, conflict, and a whole range of other issues.
There are immediate appointments available. Please contact Relate Mid Surrey to learn more or book.
To find out more about Young People's Counselling and to book an appointment call either Epsom 01372 722 976 or Reigate 01737 245 212.
i-Relate
i-Relate is Relate West Surrey's service that offers confidential counselling for children and young people aged 10-18. i-Relate are currently running all consultations via Zoom.
The most common difficulties:
- Problems with relationships at home and school
- Low self-esteem
- Depression, anxiety, anger
- Feeling isolated and lonely
- Identity issues to do with gender, ethnicity or sexuality
- Bullying
How does it work?
Contact i-Relate to make an appointment for an initial consultation which will last for up to 45 minutes. The counsellor will then recommend regular follow-up sessions. Each session will last up to 45 minutes.
Initial consultation: £50. Follow up consultations: sliding scale based on family income.
Young people over 16 can refer themselves. For the ones under 16, parents, guardians or carer can refer them.
Mole Valley Family Centre
Parenting Puzzle Parenting Course
Start date: 24th February
Time: 7.30pm-9.30pm
Duration: 6 week condensed course
Cost: £7.50 per person
Location: Mole Valley Family Centre, Dorking (hopefully face to face but this will be confirmed nearer the time)
This is a condensed 6 week course that encourages parents to enjoy bringing up their child and get the best out of family life.
To find out more, please contact Mole Valley Family Centre on 01306 740095 or email familycentre@dorking.surrey.sch.uk
Visit the Mole Valley Family Centre website for more information about courses and groups for you and your child.
Time out for Dads
Start date: 20 January 2021
Time: 7.30pm to 9pm
Duration: 5-week course
Cost: £7.50 per person
Location: Online, via Zoom
A 5-week online workshop for Dads of children under 16 years old. To find out more, please contact Mole Valley Family Centre on 01306 740095 or email familycentre@dorking.surrey.sch.uk
Relate Mid Surrey Children and Young People Counselling
Relate Mid Surrey are currently offering free young people's counselling (aged 18 years and below) until the March, subject to meeting certain criteria.
Children and Young People's Counselling is for any young person aged 11 plus who's having problems. Counsellors can support your teen with problems like family breakdown, moving in with a second family, bullying at school, friendship groups, new relationships, generally not feeling like themselves, conflict, and a whole range of other issues.
There are immediate appointments available. Please contact Relate Mid Surrey to learn more or book.
To find out more about Young People's Counselling and to book an appointment call either Epsom 01372 722 976 or Reigate 01737 245 212.
Relate Mid Surrey Children and Young People Counselling
Relate Mid Surrey are currently offering free young people's counselling (aged 18 years and below) until the March, subject to meeting certain criteria.
Children and Young People's Counselling is for any young person aged 11 plus who's having problems. Counsellors can support your teen with problems like family breakdown, moving in with a second family, bullying at school, friendship groups, new relationships, generally not feeling like themselves, conflict, and a whole range of other issues.
There are immediate appointments available. Please contact Relate Mid Surrey to learn more or book.
To find out more about Young People's Counselling and to book an appointment call either Epsom 01372 722 976 or Reigate 01737 245 212.
Runnymede Family Centre
Runnymede Family Centre offer a number of parenting courses for parents of children from 0 to11 years who are looking for that extra bit of support, including:
- 9 week Parenting Toolkit via Zoom (starts Tuesday 26/01/2021 1pm - 2.30pm)
- Parenting Puzzle parenting course (dates to be confirmed)
For more information please phone 01784 464395 or email info.runnymede@hythe.surrey.sch.uk
i-Relate
i-Relate is Relate West Surrey's service that offers confidential counselling for children and young people aged 10-18. i-Relate are currently running all consultations via Zoom.
The most common difficulties:
- Problems with relationships at home and school
- Low self-esteem
- Depression, anxiety, anger
- Feeling isolated and lonely
- Identity issues to do with gender, ethnicity or sexuality
- Bullying
How does it work?
Contact i-Relate to make an appointment for an initial consultation which will last for up to 45 minutes. The counsellor will then recommend regular follow-up sessions. Each session will last up to 45 minutes.
Initial consultation: £50. Follow up consultations: sliding scale based on family income.
Young people over 16 can refer themselves. For the ones under 16, parents, guardians or carer can refer them
Clarendon Family Centre
Clarendon Family centre can offer support to families with child 0-11 years old in Spelthorne. This includes information and advice and parenting courses.
If you'd like to find out more please call 07585 658690
i-Relate
i-Relate is Relate West Surrey's service that offers confidential counselling for children and young people aged 10-18. i-Relate are currently running all consultations via Zoom.
The most common difficulties:
- Problems with relationships at home and school
- Low self-esteem
- Depression, anxiety, anger
- Feeling isolated and lonely
- Identity issues to do with gender, ethnicity or sexuality
- Bullying
How does it work?
Contact i-Relate to make an appointment for an initial consultation which will last for up to 45 minutes. The counsellor will then recommend regular follow-up sessions. Each session will last up to 45 minutes.
Initial consultation: £50. Follow up consultations: sliding scale based on family income.
Young people over 16 can refer themselves. For the ones under 16, parents, guardians or carer can refer them.
Surrey Heath Family Centre Barnardos
Surrey Heath Family Centre are currently running a rolling programme of parenting courses, workshops and short sessions via zoom, including:
- The full 10 week parenting puzzle course that encourages parents and carers to enjoy bringing up children and get the best out of family life.
- 4 x Parenting puzzle workshops
For more information about any of the opportunities offered via the above programmes, please call Surrey Heath Family Centre on 07565 202058.
i-Relate
i-Relate is Relate West Surrey's service that offers confidential counselling for children and young people aged 10-18. i-Relate are currently running all consultations via Zoom.
The most common difficulties:
- Problems with relationships at home and school
- Low self-esteem
- Depression, anxiety, anger
- Feeling isolated and lonely
- Identity issues to do with gender, ethnicity or sexuality
- Bullying
How does it work?
Contact i-Relate to make an appointment for an initial consultation which will last for up to 45 minutes. The counsellor will then recommend regular follow-up sessions. Each session will last up to 45 minutes.
Initial consultation: £50. Follow up consultations: sliding scale based on family income.
Young people over 16 can refer themselves. For the ones under 16, parents, guardians or carer can refer them.
i-Relate
i-Relate is Relate West Surrey's service that offers confidential counselling for children and young people aged 10-18. i-Relate are currently running all consultations via Zoom.
The most common difficulties:
- Problems with relationships at home and school
- Low self-esteem
- Depression, anxiety, anger
- Feeling isolated and lonely
- Identity issues to do with gender, ethnicity or sexuality
- Bullying
How does it work?
Contact i-Relate to make an appointment for an initial consultation which will last for up to 45 minutes. The counsellor will then recommend regular follow-up sessions. Each session will last up to 45 minutes.
Initial consultation: £50. Follow up consultations: sliding scale based on family income.
Young people over 16 can refer themselves. For the ones under 16, parents, guardians or carer can refer them.
Also in this section
Sorry that we couldn't help you today.
Please talk to your midwife, health visitor or GP, or visit Child and Family Health Surrey if you have any questions about your child's health and development.
If you are looking for information on any other aspects of family life, or are looking for local playgroups or childcare Please visit the Surrey family information service.
If your child has additional needs and you are looking for information and advice please visit Surrey's SEND local offer.
If you are worried about the safety of your child, please contact Surrey children's services children's single point of access.
Date published: 03 Mar 2021