Toddler tantrums, tricky behaviour and pushing boundaries
Toddlers are full of fun and energy but they as they grow, develop and explore, they can really test your patience to the limit.
Find out where to get advice, guidance and support to help you respond to and deal with the challenges and demands of looking after a toddler.

Toddler tantrums, tricky behaviour and pushing boundaries
Read time: 3 minutes
Tantrums
Is your toddler having tantrums? You're not alone! Tantrums are common between 18 months and four years. But that doesn't make them any easier to deal with when you're in the middle of a supermarket!
Toddler tantrums can be dramatic. They often involve crying, screaming, hitting, kicking, throwing themselves to the ground. Sometimes all at the same time!
It is important to understand that your toddler's not trying to embarrass you, upset you or annoy you. They just need to express a very strong emotion and find it tricky. This is when they have a tantrum, when they are angry or frustrated and have no other way of letting you know.
The good news is that once your little one can talk, the tantrums will happen less often. But children do sometimes lose control when they are experiencing very strong emotions. Just like adults! It's also important to know that even when your toddler can talk, they won't be able to explain why they had a tantrum! The tantrum is the communication, so it's not helpful to ask your toddler why it happened. They won't be able to tell you and that will lead to more frustration for both you and your little one.
Tricky behaviour
Your toddler's behaviour can also become tricky if they start to bite, pull hair, push, snatch or kick. Sometimes this is just your toddler exploring. They're still learning about their world by putting things in their mouths and by touch. They may not understand that biting or pulling hair hurts.
Sometimes it's emotion that triggers more tricky behaviours – jealousy, frustration, fear or anger. Sometimes it's because their needs haven't been met - are they tired, hungry or in need of a cuddle? Remember, your toddler is struggling to make their feelings known. And because they don't know how to do this yet they can lash out in frustration.
This doesn't mean you can ignore this behaviour, but it does help to understand why it is happening! Try to recognise and meet your toddlers needs before they let you know with tricky behaviour. And by recognising and responding to their emotions early you may be able to stop it before it happens.
Pushing the boundaries
Toddlers are also starting to realise they have a voice. And they begin to seek some independence and control.
They might start pushing the boundaries you set by:
- saying 'no!' to everything!
- refusing to get dressed, or go to bed or have a bath
- refusing to eat certain foods (see our page on fussy eaters)
- running off
- begging and pestering when they don't get their own way
Top tips from the NHS
Read time: 2 minutes
Dealing with tantrums
Why is the tantrum happening?
Your child may be tired or hungry, in which case the solution is simple. They could be feeling frustrated or jealous, maybe of another child. They may need time, attention and love, even though they're not being very loveable.
Understand and accept your child's anger
You probably feel the same way yourself at times, but you can express it in other ways.
Find a distraction
If you think your child is starting a tantrum, find something to distract them with straight away. This could be something you can see out of the window. For example, you could say, "Look! A cat". Make yourself sound as surprised and interested as you can.
Wait for it to stop
Losing your temper or shouting back won't end the tantrum. Ignore the looks you get from people around you and concentrate on staying calm.
Don't change your mind
Giving in won't help in the long term. If you've said no, don't change your mind and say yes just to end the tantrum. Otherwise, your child will start to think tantrums can get them what they want.
For the same reason, it doesn't help to bribe them with sweets or treats. If you're at home, try going into another room for a while. Make sure your child can't hurt themselves first.
Be prepared when you're out shopping
Tantrums often happen in shops. This can be embarrassing, and embarrassment makes it harder to stay calm. Keep shopping trips as short as possible. Involve your child in the shopping by talking about what you need and letting them help you.
Look after yourself
Whatever you do, your toddler won't behave perfectly all the time. If your toddler sometimes misbehaves it doesn't mean you're doing a bad job – it's just a part of growing up! Remember, parenting is a tough job so don't forget to be kind to yourself!
Difficult behaviour often leaves parents feeling rubbish and tired. If you are feeling helpless and unsure of the best approach to take, don't worry. There are many helpful websites and support services. Try to stay positive, and if you feel you need a helping hand, reach out. And remember to look after yourself.
Information from external websites
Action for Children have a short article on what to do if your toddler has a tantrum, including how you can stop tantrums from building up, and one on what to do if your toddler has a meltdown.
They also have a short article on how to stop your toddler biting or hitting, and another on what to do if your toddler says 'no' all the time.
Family Space Barnardo's have a really helpful page on managing tantrums and supporting toddler behaviour. It talks you through the Pause for Thought system, which you might find useful.
Family Lives have a number of useful articles, including understanding and dealing with tantrums, what to do when your toddler is always misbehaving, and dealing with aggressive behaviour in toddlers. They also have a helpful page on setting boundaries for toddlers.
The NCT have a great collection of 10 articles on toddler tantrums and tricky behaviour, including how to handle toddler tantrums in public.
The NHS have a handy page on tantrums, including a section on how to handle it when your toddler is hitting, biting, kicking and fighting.
The NSPCC have a helpful page with lots of tips to help you cope with the stress of your toddler's tantrums.
Struggling and need to talk?
Action for Children offer 1:1 chat with a parenting coach (Mon - Fri). If they are closed you can leave a message and a parenting coach will get back to you within 3 working days.
Family Lives has a free, confidential helpline, offering emotional support, information, advice and guidance on any aspect of parenting and family life. Call the Family Lives helpline on 0808 800 2222 (Monday to Friday from 9am to 9pm and on weekends from 10am to 3pm).
NSPCC has a free, confidential helpline for parents looking for advice. Call 0808 800 5000 (Monday to Friday 8am – 10pm or 9am – 6pm at the weekends).
The Surrey Children and Family Health Advice Line is available from 8am to 5pm, Monday to Friday (excluding Bank Holidays). They can provide support on all aspects of child health, development and parenting for families with children from birth to 19 years old. Call the Surrey-wide 0-19 Advice Line on 01883 340 922
Face-to-face support
You could also talk to your health visitor or your GP.
Useful videos for dealing with tantrums, tricky behaviour and pushing the boundaries
You might find this Family Lives video on tantrums useful.
EHCAP shares a fantastic video that uses the hand model to help you understand what is happening in the brain when we lose control of our emotions - as useful for understanding your own emotional responses as it is for understanding your toddlers!
Family Lives also have a video on toddler independence.
The NHS have a video on the best way to deal with tantrums – once you've clicked through to the NHS page you'll need to scroll down to find it.
The NHS also have a video on how much your toddler understands about being naughty – once you've clicked through to the NHS page you'll need to scroll down to find it.
In this NSPCC video 'Take 5 – advice from parents' parent's give their advice on how to cope with difficult behaviour.
The Families Under Pressure video collection offers a great series of short top tips videos on managing behaviour and help with negative emotions. Perfect for when your family leave you feeling frazzled!
Helpful tools and apps
Is your toddler's behaviour leaving you feeling stressed out or frazzled? Why don't you try downloading Thrive, a game based NHS assessed app designed to help you manage stress and anxiety.
You could have a look at the 'Being, Belonging, Becoming' leaflets on Surrey's Family Information Service (FIS). These information cards contain tips on how to help your child to become independent, sociable and happy.
The NSPCC has a great guide on positive parenting with a helpful section on setting boundaries.
Surrey's Family Learning and Adult Learning teams have developed a family wellbeing resource, with lots of tips on looking after yourself and your family during these challenging times.
You might want to look at the book The Whole Brain Child by Dan Siegel and Tina Bryson. It uses what is known about children's developing brains to suggest strategies to make parenting easier and your relationships with your children stronger.
Online parenting guides
Surrey residents get free access to an online guide that include top tips from childcare, education and NHS health experts
How to register
Registration is quick and easy. Go to the OurPlace website and use the access code 'ACORN' to get your free guide.
Access to the guide is unlimited with no expiry date, so you can return as and when you need and want to. Why not watch the Child and Family Health video to find out more.
Community support, courses and local help
Choose the area you live in for local services. Please note that due to coronavirus (Covid-19) very few community services are currently running.
Family Learning
Surrey Adult Learning's Family Learning programme aims to increase parent's skills and help them to support their children. It's free to parents, carers and even grandparents!
You can do online workshops and courses in parenting, wellbeing, anxiety and behaviour as well as phonics, English for EAL families, maths, science and healthy eating. Here's what one parent said about an 'Exploring Behaviour Strategies' course
"What a lovely course…. really constructive with lots of practical tips to go away and work on. I felt much more in control as a parent after last week's class alone! Thank you for being so open and inclusive, and providing a safe environment for us parents to share experiences."
You can enrol on up to 3 free courses and workshops each half term. For further information email: family.learning@surreycc.gov.uk or call 0300 200 1044.
The Children and Family Health Surrey Advice Line (Surrey-wide 0-19 Advice Line)
The Surrey Children and Family Health Advice Line is available from 8am to 5pm, Monday to Friday (excluding Bank Holidays). They can provide support for families with children from birth to 19 years old. Call the Surrey-wide 0-19 Advice Line on 01883 340 922
Elmbridge Family Centres
The Elmbridge Family Centres are able to support all families in the area with 0-11's who wish to access support through courses.
Currently we can offer online courses to support parenting and child behaviour. We have tablets to loan if families do not have a suitable device.
We directly offer the Parenting Puzzle course on a rolling basis. and link with many partners who are offering other courses including talking teens, supporting challenging behaviour.
We will resume face to face sessions as soon as the government guidelines allow. These would generally be run at one of our buildings in Walton, Molesey, Cobham or in the local community. We will confirm the exact venue details when your place is confirmed. Please contact us for further details:
- Call: 01932 229103
- Email: elmbridge@spurgeons.org
Or visit the Elmbridge Family Centres website or Elmbridge Family Centres Facebook page.
Home-Start Elmbridge
Home Start Elmbridge is a voluntary organisation that offers support through friendship and practical help to parents in the Borough of Elmbridge who have at least one child under five and are struggling to cope - from illness, poverty and isolation through to domestic violence and poor mental health. Support is free, confidential and non-judgemental.
If you live in Elmbridge, have at least one child under 5 and are looking for support, simply complete their online self-referral form. Or to find out more about what's on offer visit the Home-Start Elmbridge website or email enquiries@home-start-elmbridge.org.uk
Parenting Puzzle Course via Zoom
Find out how to get the best out of family life. This 10 week Nurturing Programme is for parents and carers living in Elmbridge. This course encourages and supports parents and carers to enjoy bringing up children of all ages. The sessions are informal, fun and a great confidence booster.
January - April 2021 Tuesdays 7pm - 8.30pm via Zoom. £50 per family, but concessions and free places available so please ask.
To find out more contact
- Michelle - michelle@thewellbeingsupervisor.com Call: 07772 348182 or
- Teresa - t.doe@orchard.surrey.sch.uk
Ewell Family Centre
Ewell Family Centre supports local families with children aged 0-11 years. Parenting support is currently being offered via online workshops.
For more information please visit the Ewell Family Centre website or call the centre to speak to staff on 020 8337 7310
Home-Start Epsom, Ewell and Banstead
Home-Start Epsom, Ewell and Banstead can support any parent living in the local area, including Epsom, Ewell, Banstead and surrounding villages, who has one or more children under the age of 5 and who wants help at a difficult time in their life.
There are many reasons why parents need support and these can include:
- Feeling isolated, maybe with no family nearby and struggling to make friends
- Suffering with post-natal depression and maybe finding it hard to talk to anyone about it
- Having a hard time coping with your child's illness or disability
- Being affected by the death of a family member
- Struggling with the emotional and practical demands of twins, triplets or children under 5
- Finding it hard to cope with relationship difficulties
- Feeling exhausted or depressed
- Coping with your own illness or disability
For more information please look at the self-referral information.
Home-Start Guildford
Home-Start Guildford is a voluntary organisation offering non-judgmental, practical and emotional support to help build a family's confidence and ability to cope. Our volunteers provide weekly support to include visits, as well as remote support such as telephone contact, texts, video calls etc.
There are many reasons why parents need support and these may include:
- Feelings of isolation, perhaps with no family nearby and struggling to make friends
- Coping with the demands of twins, triplets or several pre-school children
- Dealing with ill health, disability or special needs of children or self
- Bereavement
- Mental health problems or post-natal depression
- Lone parent
- Young parents
- Grandparents caring for grandchildren
- Relationship difficulties or breakdown
If you live in Guildford, have at least one child under 5 years and are looking for support, please complete the online contact form
Or to find out more about what's on offer, please visit the Home-Start Guildford website or call 01483 511181 (Mon-Fri 9:00-4:30pm)
Home-Start Guildford are also active on Facebook, Instagram and Twitter where you can find out more about them.
Home-Start East Surrey
Home-Start East Surrey helps families become more resilient, supporting them until they are strong enough to cope on their own. They provide non-judgmental, practical and emotional support to help build the family's confidence and ability to cope.
Who can Home-Start East Surrey help?
- Lonely or isolated parents
- Families with twins, triplets or several pre-school children
- Families where there is ill health, disability or special needs
- Families who have suffered bereavement
- Parents who have mental health problems/ post-natal depression
- Families from all backgrounds
- Lone parents
- Young parents
- Grandparents caring for grandchildren
- Step parents
- Adoptive parents
- Foster parents
- Families where a parent is in the armed forces
- Families where a parent is in prison
Any family with at least one child under 5, who is experiencing difficulties, can contact Home-Start for support. If that's you, please call 01737 770220 or email using the contact form. For more information you can visit the Home-Start East Surrey website.
Mole Valley Family Centre
Parenting Puzzle Parenting Course
Start date: 24th February
Time: 7.30pm-9.30pm
Duration: 6 week condensed course
Cost: £7.50 per person
Location: Mole Valley Family Centre, Dorking (hopefully face to face but this will be confirmed nearer the time)
This is a condensed 6 week course that encourages parents to enjoy bringing up their child and get the best out of family life.
To find out more, please contact Mole Valley Family Centre on 01306 740095 or email familycentre@dorking.surrey.sch.uk
Visit the Mole Valley Family Centre website for more information about courses and groups for you and your toddler.
Home-Start East Surrey
Home-Start East Surrey helps families become more resilient, supporting them until they are strong enough to cope on their own. They provide non-judgmental, practical and emotional support to help build the family's confidence and ability to cope.
Who can Home-Start East Surrey help?
- Lonely or isolated parents
- Families with twins, triplets or several pre-school children
- Families where there is ill health, disability or special needs
- Families who have suffered bereavement
- Parents who have mental health problems/ post-natal depression
- Families from all backgrounds
- Lone parents
- Young parents
- Grandparents caring for grandchildren
- Step parents
- Adoptive parents
- Foster parents
- Families where a parent is in the armed forces
- Families where a parent is in prison
Any family with at least one child under 5, who is experiencing difficulties, can contact Home-Start for support. If that's you, please call 01737 770220 or email using the contact form. For more information you can visit the Home-Start East Surrey website.
Home-Start Epsom, Ewell and Banstead
Home-Start Epsom, Ewell and Banstead can support any parent living in the local area, including Epsom, Ewell, Banstead and surrounding villages, who has one or more children under the age of 5 and who wants help at a difficult time in their life.
There are many reasons why parents need support and these can include:
- Feeling isolated, maybe with no family nearby and struggling to make friends
- Suffering with post-natal depression and maybe finding it hard to talk to anyone about it
- Having a hard time coping with your child's illness or disability
- Being affected by the death of a family member
- Struggling with the emotional and practical demands of twins, triplets or children under 5
- Finding it hard to cope with relationship difficulties
- Feeling exhausted or depressed
- Coping with your own illness or disability
For more information please look at the self-referral information.
Home-Start Runnymede and Woking
Home Start Runnymede and Woking is a voluntary organisation that offers support through friendship and practical help to parents in the Runnymede and Woking areas who have at least one child under five and are struggling to cope. Support is free, confidential and non-judgemental.
Do you ever feel like this?
- Isolated in your community, unable to get out and about, with no family nearby and struggling to make friends?
- Suffering with post-natal illness but finding it hard to talk to anyone about it?
- Having a hard time coping with either your own or your child's illness or disability?
- Overwhelmed by the death of a loved one, or separation, or divorce?
- Struggling with the emotional and physical demands of having twins, triplets or more?
- Struggling to cope with behavioural issues?
- Tired, unhappy and exhausted?
….or any similar problems.
Current support includes
- 1:1 volunteer or staff support (Zoom or phone)
- Group support on Zoom for parents with children with additional needs and new mums
If you live in Runnymede or Woking, have at least one child under 5 and are looking for support, visit the Home-Start Runnymede and Woking website for more information, or phone 01483 740367 to discuss what you need and what they might be able to offer.
Runnymede Family Centre
Runnymede Family Centre offer a number of parenting courses for parents of children from 0 to11 years who are looking for that extra bit of support, including:
- 9 week Parenting Toolkit via Zoom (starts Tuesday 26/01/2021 1pm - 2.30pm)
- Parenting Puzzle parenting course (dates to be confirmed)
For more information please phone 01784 464395 or email info.runnymede@hythe.surrey.sch.uk
Home-Start Spelthorne
Do you ever feel like this?
- Isolated in your community, with no family nearby and struggling to make friends.
- Suffering with post-natal illness but finding it hard to talk to anyone about it.
- Having a hard time coping with your child's illness.
- Struggling to cope with a disability or relationship problems.
- Tired, unhappy, exhausted or any similar problems.
Many parents need help, friendship, advice or support during those early years when children are young.
There is no rulebook for raising a family and sometimes it can seem overwhelming, particularly if your family is going through difficult times. But if you can get the support you need when you need it, then day-to-day family life and your children's future can be so much brighter.
If you are a parent in Spelthorne with at least one child under five and are looking for support you can contact Home-Start Spelthorne directly on 01784 463200 and speak to a member of the team, or simply complete their contact us form.
Clarendon Family Centre
Clarendon Family centre can offer support to families with child 0-11 years old in Spelthorne. This includes information and advice and parenting courses.
If you'd like to find out more please call 07585 658690
Home-Start Surrey Heath
Home-Start Surrey Heath is a voluntary organisation that offers support through friendship and practical help to parents in Surrey Heath who have at least one child under five and are struggling to cope. Support is free, confidential and non-judgemental.
Home-Start Surrey Heath may be able to help if you:
- live in the Borough of Surrey Heath.
- have one or more children under the age of 5
- family groups for parents who feel isolated and lack confidence
- are going through a difficult time in your life
There are many reasons why you may need support. Perhaps you are:
- feeling isolated, maybe with no family nearby and struggling to make friends
- suffering with post-natal depression and maybe finding it hard to talk to anyone about it
- having a hard time coping with your child's illness or disability
- being affected by the death of a family member
- struggling with the emotional and practical demands of twins, triplets or children under 5
- finding it hard to cope with relationship difficulties
- feeling exhausted or depressed
- coping with your own illness or disability
- you have a child with Special Educational Needs & Disabilities (SEND)
If you are looking for support please call 01276 681121. You can also visit the Home-Start Surrey Heath website or look at the referrals page for more information.
Surrey Heath Family Centre Barnardos
Surrey Heath Family Centre are currently running a rolling programme of parenting courses, workshops and short sessions via zoom, including:
- The full 10 week parenting puzzle course that encourages parents and carers to enjoy bringing up children and get the best out of family life.
- 4 x Parenting puzzle workshops
For more information about any of the opportunities offered via the above programmes, please call Surrey Heath Family Centre on 07565 202058.
Home-Start East Surrey
Home-Start East Surrey helps families become more resilient, supporting them until they are strong enough to cope on their own. They provide non-judgmental, practical and emotional support to help build the family's confidence and ability to cope.
Who can Home-Start East Surrey help?
- Lonely or isolated parents
- Families with twins, triplets or several pre-school children
- Families where there is ill health, disability or special needs
- Families who have suffered bereavement
- Parents who have mental health problems/ post-natal depression
- Families from all backgrounds
- Lone parents
- Young parents
- Grandparents caring for grandchildren
- Step parents
- Adoptive parents
- Foster parents
- Families where a parent is in the armed forces
- Families where a parent is in prison
Any family with at least one child under 5, who is experiencing difficulties, can contact Home-Start for support. If that's you, please call 01737 770220 or email using the contact form. For more information you can visit the Home-Start Easy Surrey website.
Home-Start Waverley
Home-Start in Waverley is a voluntary organisation that offers support through friendship and practical help to parents in the Runnymede and Woking areas who have at least one child under five and are struggling to cope. Support is free, confidential and non-judgemental. Home-Start Waverley may be able to help if you:
- live in the Borough of Waverley which includes Farnham, Haslemere, Cranleigh, Godalming and surrounding districts
- have at least one child under the age of 5
- are going through a difficult time in your life
There are many reasons why you may need support. Perhaps you are:
- feeling isolated, maybe with no family nearby and struggling to make friends
- suffering with post-natal depression and maybe finding it hard to talk to anyone about it
- having a hard time coping with your child's illness or disability
- being affected by the death of a family member
- struggling with the emotional and practical demands of twins, triplets or more than one child under 5
- finding it hard to cope with relationship difficulties
- feeling exhausted or depressed
- coping with your own illness or disability
If you are a parent looking for support, visit the Home-Start Waverley website for more information or call 01252 737 453 to chat about your needs. You can get in touch by email too - info@homestartwaverley.org
Home-Start Runnymede and Woking
Home Start Runnymede and Woking is a voluntary organisation that offers support through friendship and practical help to parents in the Runnymede and Woking areas who have at least one child under five and are struggling to cope. Support is free, confidential and non-judgemental.
Do you ever feel like this?
- Isolated in your community, unable to get out and about, with no family nearby and struggling to make friends?
- Suffering with post-natal illness but finding it hard to talk to anyone about it?
- Having a hard time coping with either your own or your child's illness or disability?
- Overwhelmed by the death of a loved one, or separation, or divorce?
- Struggling with the emotional and physical demands of having twins, triplets or more?
- Struggling to cope with behavioural issues?
- Tired, unhappy and exhausted?
….or any similar problems.
Current support includes
- 1:1 volunteer or staff support (Zoom or phone)
- Group support on Zoom for parents with children with additional needs and new mums
If you live in Runnymede or Woking, have at least one child under 5 and are looking for support, visit the Home-Start Runnymede and Woking website for more information, or phone 01483 740367 to discuss what you need and what they might be able to offer.
Also in this section
Sorry that we couldn't help you today.
Please talk to your midwife, health visitor or GP, or visit Child and Family Health Surrey if you have any questions about your child's health and development.
If you are looking for information on any other aspects of family life, or are looking for local playgroups or childcare Please visit the Surrey family information service.
If your child has additional needs and you are looking for information and advice please visit Surrey's SEND local offer.
If you are worried about the safety of your child, please contact Surrey children's services children's single point of access.
Date published: 03 Mar 2021